REQUIRED TO WEAR A MASK? TRY THESE
Let us know if anyone tries to deny you entry!
Fed up with the nonsense of being required to wear masks?
Join the club!
After a couple of margaritas one night, we ordered a Jason mask from the classic horror film Friday the 13th.
We didn't stop there. Check out what we ordered next...
Whole Foods Jason Mask
In full disclosure, the experience of wearing this mask was anti-climatic. We were expecting some angry stares, shit talking, and maybe even a couple of socially-distanced high fives.
However, other than a couple of Whole Foods employees complimenting the mask, there was little reaction.
We were definitely noticed. As soon as someone saw the mask, they averted their eyes, and the anger and tension were palpable. "How dare this cretan disrespect the rules and make a mockery of our security blanket?"
So, we've decided to up the stakes. We ordered a bunch of masks that we plan on rotating.
Here's what we've got on order:
Must-Wear Masks for Fun (and maybe safety)
V for Vendetta
The mask you see worn at Anonymous protests is called a Guy Fawkes mask, named for a seventeenth-century Briton who infamously attempted to bomb the House of Lords. The symbolism with this mask runs deep.
The Amazing Spider-Man
Spider-Man isn't just for Halloween anymore. Don this beauty year round. As the saying goes, super heroes don't always wear capes.
Illegal Aliens
Nope, not creepy at all.
We haven't tried this mask, so you might not be able to breathe. But hey, better die on your own terms than from the Rona!
For Dog Lovers Everywhere
They say that owners start to look like their dogs after a while. Why not prove "them" right?
This mask also comes in Pug, Poodle, Corgi, Dalmatian and Shiba Inu.
Plague Doctor
We can't think of a more appropriately named mask, can you?
The product description promises that you'll make a lasting impression wherever you go. We couldn't agree more.
The "I Didn't Have Time to Put on Makeup Mask"
This is my personal favorite.
She's so creepy, she's almost cute.
Bonus points if you wear this mask with cocktail attire.
This Nightmare Lasts All Year
Because 2020 has been the worst year ever.
And also, if you're a Nightmare Before Christmas fan, you know you would love to wear this mask.
Beetlejuice, for the Win
This Barbara Beetlejuice mask brings back the innocence of the 80s, back when Corona was just a beer.
This mask is creepy AF.
If You're Feeling Cocky...
This rooster mask is made of latex. That's a medical-grade material, right?
Star Wars Fans, Rejoice
Get the whole gang together and take over the supermarket.
"I Feel Pretty"
If you've ever dressed up as a sexy anything for Halloween, then this everyday grocery shopping mask is perfect for you.
It's low maintenance and oddly beautiful.
Obligatory Clown Mask
Would any list of masks be complete without a creepy clown mask? I think not!
This one is marketed as easy to breathe through, which undoubtedly makes it useless for fighting the Rona, but better for your overall health.
For the Fully Committed
If you're serious about protecting every inch of your body from Coronavirus and you want to have a good time in the process, this T-Rex inflatable dinosaur costume is a win-win.
Okay, you might be asking how we got through the Whole Foods wearing a mask with holes in it.
We did put a very thin handkerchief as a "filter."
Anyone with common sense would know that does nothing, but hey, the cloth DIY masks do nothing, too.
Disclaimer: These masks are ridiculous and are not meant to protect you from any virus.
Also, I'm waiting for a security guard or cop to tell us that we cannot wear these masks. But then, what would their argument be? They cover the face? Isn't that the whole point?
Let's cross that bridge when we come to it.
Until then, LET'S MAKE A MOCKERY OF MASKING!